To Him

When you hung up on me a few days ago it signified a complete end to our relationship. Moments after I deleted and blocked your number. Oh and your keys are in a Park Slope garbage can somewhere. I’m not bitter, I’m just done. This is not intended to bash you but because I didn’t have an opportunity to express my pain and frustration, here it is.

We were friends first before any line was ever crossed. We truly got to know each other and I can honestly say I have never connected with another man the way I did with you. When we started this little situation back in November. I expressed to you my current position. From career to family, you knew the things that were my focus.

Feeling the pressures of life, I looked to you as my source and refuge. That was my first mistake because though you were incredibly supportive, I should have looked within. I can not be anything for the people that I impact on a daily basis if I don’t stay true to the things that I tell them. I should have taken care of home first.

On Sunday when I said to you I’m going to take a step back to focus on my dream and my mental health. It was probably the most genuine thing I’ve ever said to you. I understood that it would put you in an awkward position but I was willing to compromise. I can’t attest to what you felt in that moment because you didn’t express yourself. You choose to wait until we got into an argument to vent. You made references to my illness and my mental health. I think it is incredibly selfish to not see what I am trying to accomplish. I also think it’s insensitive to talk about my struggles in the way you did. I’m not upset because honestly isn’t not worth my energy but I am hurt. The irony is that on Valentine’s Day, when you gave me those books, you expressed how great I was and encouraged me to pursue my dream.

I appreciate everything you were to me. You were great friend and an amazing lover. But in this moment you showed me exactly who you are. Thank you for the motivation. I’m determined to make that which I strive for a reality.

“I just want to know what I can do in the air and what I can’t, that’s all. I just want to know”

A Woman in Process

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