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I’m on a cleanse of sorts. Up until recently, I was so in love with love that I would go from relationship to relationship searching for someone to fill that void. It’s those damn romantic comedies, Cameron Diaz always gets the perfect guy. So here I am, searching for my Matthew McConaughey. I’ve done that for the last 8 years, I started dating at 17. What I’ve never done however is work on me. I talk about working on myself all the time. But the second I’m alone, truly alone. I can’t deal with it. So it’s easy to text a guy from my past or a number I took that I never thought I would use.
Case in point, I reached out to guy from my past a few days ago. I would like to think it was genuine and I really wanted to check in. But moments later, I have a date scheduled. It wasn’t my intention, but he wanted to hang out and being me, I had to oblige.
The date went well. He was the perfect gentleman, he’s a good guy so I didn’t expect anything less. Towards the end of the date we had a verbal exchange that was not great but I didn’t think much of it. The next day, we had brunch and a walk planned. I reached out to him for details. He basically called me out on my attitude and said that this wasn’t for him. Our personalities didn’t match. I tried to explain my feelings away and justify the attitude that I had the night before.
But his mind was made up and he didn’t want to see me again. Sure my pride is hurt but I was wrong. I appreciate his honesty and maturity, I wish him the best.
In hindsight, I shouldn’t have even gone on the date. I should given myself the time that I promised myself I would. If I had reached out to him 6 months from now, our story would most certainly be different.
I can’t say that I’m on a man cleanse for x amount of days because life doesn’t work like that. But what I will say is that I will make a concerted effort to stop the pattern. Just like my exercise and eating habits. It will take time.
Am I undateable, for now I am.
A Woman in Process