Rewiring of Self

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I was fortunate to interface with friends this weekend, some old and some new. It is amazing how much you can learn when you surround yourself with the right people.

I am going through a metamorphosis of sorts. I’m becoming the woman I always knew I could be. It is difficult, even more difficult than chasing my dream or losing weight. I am forced to come face to face with my demons. I now battle the things that have held me down for years.

On Saturday I was in a good space. I walked the Brooklyn Bridge and much of the Lower East Side with friends and Milo, of course. I don’t think I’ve talked about Milo much. But he’s my best friend’s toy poodle and my buddy!

When we came home, I laid down to take a nap and clear my head a bit. Somewhere between clearing my head and napping, I started to drown in my memories. I started to question my journey and my happiness. I wanted to ran away and before I would call my “boyfriend” or the guy I was “talking” to so that I wouldn’t have to deal. Guys are a great distraction and I used them for years in that way.

But as I discussed a couple posts back, I am not doing that anymore and I am making a conscious effort to go toe to toe with whatever life throws.

I decided to go to the gym, it was an off day so I figured I would just get on the recumbent bike and read a book.

Before I made it out the door, I was stopped by words that I will now live by. “Why won’t you let us love you” My friends wanted to be there for me. I was removing myself because I did not want to bring them down too. It had been such a great day.

I cried and cried to them, opening up about how messed up I feel, how scared I am. I had a heart to heart the day before with another amazing friend, many things were heavy on my heart. I was a mess but I humbly accepted their presence in my life.

I know that I will get through this rewiring of self but I also know that I will forever be a woman in process.

Thank you to all that have been there for me though out my illness, my weightless journey, my mood swings, my life.

A Woman In Process

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