I’m Not Sure…



I was asked recently what my goals were. I said repeatedly, “my goal is to be happy.” I know that might sound simplistic but that is exactly what I hope for happiness and peace of mind. I think last year, I wrote about why I think peace of mind is foundational. It doesn’t prevent the bad from happening but it allows you to be better equipped to deal with life. Being at peace brings a calming effect to most if not all situations.

I’m a point where I am remarkably grateful for my life and how far I’ve come. But I’m not necessarily happy in my career, where I live or my normal day to day. I have happy moments for sure because I am surrounded by amazing people. But something is missing. I might be chasing it. Somebody once warned me about chasing. They said “be patient, if you continue to chase, then that’s all you will ever do.” Another friend said, “the problem is that you want everything quickly, it’s not on your time, it’s on God’s time.”

I take both statements with a grain of salt. I don’t want things quickly at all. In fact because of my current condition I’m extremely tactful in my next steps because I want to ensure that I don’t end up in the same situation. I don’t want to jump from the pot to frying pan, as they say.

For almost 4 years that’s what I did, I’ve been operating out of desperation. This illness came out of nowhere and rocked a 22 year old girl who felt poised and more that capable to take on the world. She was on a career path that made sense. Now that I’m staring at 26, I’m asking myself what should I do? I don’t want now what I wanted then. I love sport. I used to envision myself being the head of sponsorship for the Knicks or being a famous sports agent.

Though sport is very much a part of what I do. I’m more focused on physical activity in general and health. I love to write, speak, lecture; I want to be impactful.

I know it might be some time before I can live that dream full time. The bills still need to be paid right. Regardless of that reality, I’m still ready for a change.

I am struggling to go on day after day knowing that this is not what I want to do or where I want to be. How do I remain grateful and positive? I remind myself of two things; my circumstances might not be ideal but I’m working, making a living that some dream of and I live in city that people spend their entire lives trying to make it to. Secondly, I am thankful that I can remain at this status quo until I figure it out. I am more than just surviving, no longer desperate. I can be smart about the next steps.

All that being said, I don’t know what the next steps are. What I really want to do is drop the mic and walk off the stage, move to a remote island and just write. I’m sure we all have those moments when we wish running away was an option. I honestly do trust that it will all work out, I have faith and I believe in my talents. I see myself living the life I deserve. But I just don’t know how to get there.

A Woman in Process

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