I told you last week that I was unsure. I’m still unsure, confused; I wonder if I am making the right decisions. As you know my health as been a little rocky for the last few months. I’m struggling to adjust to this new medication. My moods are up and down, I feel disoriented and I get frequent headaches. I’m just not myself. I might cry out to my love ones but I don’t complain. This is all a part of my process, this part is just a little harder.
I took a step back and realized that I have to do whatever necessary to be healthy. I want to accomplish all these amazing things but all that is void without my ability to do, just simply do.
With that in mind, I made the decision to eradicate anything in my life that was not conducive to my health. I decided to put me and my health first. I literally stepped out on faith, no safety net. I quit my job and I broke up with him. For different reasons but for the same, Me.
Because of my personality I give 100% in everything that I do even when I don’t have a 100% to give. I humbly say now that I do not have it, I can’t give it.
I’m scared of course. I don’t know how this will play out. I don’t have a job lined up. But I know that the hours I work currently don’t help, the nature of the job requires just too much for me right now. I know that I have never loved a man the way I love him. But I also know that I suffered a panic attack after our argument a few days ago. I haven’t had such anxiety in a long time. I made a promise to me that the moment it did not feel right I would walk away.
I feel stupid for going back. I knew I wasn’t ready. It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with my current space and time.
I’m fighting for her, the woman I know I can be. I hope I can be a leader in the workplace in the future, I hope that I can pursue my dream of being a motivation for women, I hope that I can one day have a loving and caring relationship with a man. I want all these things but me first.
A Woman in Process